Thank you for your support and checking out my first blog post! My intentions with this blog are to help those understand what some may experience with mental illness. Mostly my experience—considering I can only speak specifically for myself. I’d only hope my story woudld inspire others to open up the conversation about mental health.
I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder (PD).
I know what you’re thinking—WTF. I even have a degree in Health and Human Sciences in Familiy & Individual Development, you’d think I’d find my flow by now.
It’s been a roller coaster being diagnosed with one thing and then another, however, they do nothing but serve as an explaination for my many symptoms.
I’ll start off with saying the support I’ve been getting these past few days have been a blessing. Nonetheless, recovery and healing isn’t linear, and there is no set time frame. I’ve been struggling with my “bad juju” thoughts—I will refer to my negative thoughts as so, if you know me personally you know that’s the terminology I use during my depressive episodes—since childhood.
That’s not what I want to talk about today. I actually want to talk about what it took for me to take the step in front of me.
What does that even mean? Well, I have these days where I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (or I can only sleep). I have these days where staring at a wall seems more reasonable than reaching out for help.
It’s so easy to fall into the isolation that is depression. It’s so easy to hide from the world because you feel like a burden. I would always tell myself, if I can just disappear, then no one will worry or question me. I would tell myself that I can start talking to people and functioning once I “bounce back” into being myself.
There is no “bouncing back.” There is no denying myself of who I really am. It’s heartbreaking to know that many people can relate to hiding that part of themselves because of the shame that comes with chronic depression—or any mental illness if that.
If there’s one thing I learned, one way I was able to move forward, was to define what the step in front of me was. Living with suicidal thoughts and having experienced being in that place, felt like life was being lived moment to moment.
I began to start taking the step in front of me. I alway expected myself to reach these milestones within a certain amount of time, without taking into account the baby steps along the way. There is no way I would reach the milestones without taking the steps.
The first step means different things for different people. The important thing to remember is to meet yourself where you are. The first step can be getting out of bed in the morning, taking a shower—doing minuscule things to get you through the day—and that’s okay. The first step can be reaching out for help, even just telling someone you had a bad day—and that’s okay.
Whatever that step may be, always know that the only person who has to live in your shoes is you. You are the only person who is capable of doing what you can do. There is no shame in taking even the smallest step towards being better. Challenge yourself even in what is seemingly the smallest way—regardless of what people say.
The steps that took me to where I am today were hard, painful and nerve wrecking. I’m here, posting about what would be considered extremely personal experiences. I do this for the sake of you guys. There are so many influencers out there that dabble in their mental health and I’ve waited for years for one of them to come forward and talk about it. I decided I’d take the step and make a blog—hell, I might as well be that person.
I also wanted to open an online shop specifically for the sentiment of mental illnesses and the experiences tied to them. I am still figuring out where I’m headed, but all I know is that I’m looking in front of me.
Welcome to #thebeyoutymovement—a place where I hope you can talk, laugh, cry, whatever it may be. Let’s talk about our walks through life.
If you have any experiences or stories, email them to me at email@example.com—they might be featured in my blogs!
Submissions will be anonymous upon request.