I've spent these quiet weeks with a war in mind...
It's been very difficult for me to accept that my reality doesn't look like everyone else's. I get stuck in this loop--this mindset that glues me to the bed and locks me away. I live on this time lapse where time passes and I don't even exist.
I hear and read about people's experiences with chronic depression, how they struggle to get out of bed, how they fake a smile to get through the day and I think to myself...
They were able to get out of bed, why can't I? They faked a smile, and they were able to look people in the eye. Why can't I?
People can look at me and think I'm lazy, say I have nothing going for me, but they don't know what goes through my mind. I don't know what sucks more, being told it's all in my head, or knowing that it is and still not being able to get up.
I feel this heavy weight on my shoulders (m&m) and it feels like an anchor latched onto my ankle. It's a weight that I carry with me every day.
It's painful to have this sort of awareness, this insight to your own mind and symptoms. It's hard to look at the way you've allowed it to manifest in your life all while still feeling powerless in treating it.
My mind goes crazy. Sometimes even manic, I think about dropping the world and what little I have to disappear and travel. I think about embracing a "new identity"-- I go on personality changes and mood swings on the daily. My mind is ahead of me and I don't know where it's going half the time.
My mind is ready to go but there's this heavy weight on my ankle, keeping me inside, telling me to hide away and to it tells me, "this world isn't for you."